Conflict is like Fire.

I heard a quote today that while it was made in regards to marriage, I think it can translate well to any relationship.

I don’t remember the person’s name that said it, but they said that “conflict is like a fire. It not only creates heat, but it also creates light.”

Depending on how you deal with the conflict, it can be used to deepen the relationship. They speaker said that there are four main things to be careful about. I can’t remember the third one…

The first one is criticism. If the conflict causes one party to say “you always do this or you are such a so-and-so”, it immediatly puts the other on defense. Instead, try to start with “I”. “I hate it when this happens.” There is a difference between criticising and complaining.

The second is defense. Like it was mentioned above, if you are the “other party”, try not to go into defensive mode right away. Be very conscious of the desire to do so. If you are able to stop yourself, a very real conversation can come from the conflict.

The third is the one that I don’t remember.

The fourth is stonewalling. Men tend to get to this stage sooner than women. Basically, you tend to give up and say something like “what do you want me to say? I’ll say it.” or “what can I do to make you happy?”. Like going into defensive mode, try to be aware of your desire to stonewall and try and keep yourself from doing it. Neither of you will really learn anything from the conflict if there is a stonewaller.

The speaker said that if you are aware of each of these steps, you can begin to use all conflict as a growing experience. It takes some work, but it will be worth it.